All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
