I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
