I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
