so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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