Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
