When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
