What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
