you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
