Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
