So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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