I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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