ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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