i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
