I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I think I just sharted jello shots
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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