I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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