I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
