I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
