allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
