YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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