the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
