do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
