when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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