I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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