I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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