I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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