the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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