I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
