dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
