When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
The adults are the big ones right?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
