No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
