Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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