Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
