i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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