I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
