My friends, they love my intelligence
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
