My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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