I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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