i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
