It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
