I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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