We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
