Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
