Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
