it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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