Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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