Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
