quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
