where am i from again
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
