We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
