The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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